We have been so blessed and overwhelmed by the love and support of our extended church family in this period. Prayers, calls, emails, drop-ins, meals, cleaning, kid-care, carpool, you name it - I am quite sure we would have fallen apart within a week of our return if it were not for our brother's and sister's in Christ (and yes, that includes blood-family too!). We are profoundly humbled by the charity shown by the saints, and, God-with-skin-on we see as even those we have not met before bring us meals, or pick up a load of our laundry. We are humbled because the grace His people, our family has shown us comes unmerited on our part. And we are aware of that.
Our Father chose to demonstrate His glory by touching our boys and moving them closer to life among us. In our last ultrasound, it appears that River and Bryce are virtually the same size, have similar amounts of fluid and are growing at an encouraging pace! They have almost doubled in weight since the laser surgery in Cincinnati. So, not only were they delivered from the door-steps of demise, but God has seen fit to thrust them into a robust state of thriving! Last night as we lay in bed with my hand on Nicole's tummy, I could even feel one of the boys, River I believe, kicking hard against the tummy. I have felt them move before last night, but this was the first time I felt the jolting foot thrusts. That said, our earnest prayer remains that the boys will cook long enough to heal from the effects of the TTTS and that the issues in Bryce's heart will fully mend over the next two months.
Our prayer also remains that we will lean on the Lord that brought us safe thus far to carry us all through to the end. Since our return, we have been very out of balance. It was as if a tornado lifted us, spun us all around, then landed us on new, unfamiliar ground. Nicole is coping with the emotional difficulties of being laid in bed all day while her kids are raised and play around her with less of her input and less of her direct interaction. I have been trying to find solid ground again, figuratively speaking, meaning, to find a way to navigate these waters and challenges that tend to my own spiritual needs as well as the spiritual, emotional, and physical needs of the family. And I have fallen and I have fumbled in walking by grace a time or two. This time has really impressed me with my own vulnerability and weakness. I am not a victim. No, that is not what I am saying. Far from it. We are blessed more than we could hope or imagine. But I have become keenly aware again of the gross limitations of my ability to pull myself and my life up by my own bootstraps. I have become more aware of my dependence on grace and the ability of my ego to clouds its rays. I, like Nicole, have wrestled with my limitations and I do believe that in spite of my fumbles, there is great sanctification taking place in us all.
In some ways, seeing such grace in action can give rise to new spiritual battles. I always wondered why I sunk so hard and so low - and I am not prone to depression at all - after my returns from Africa. Again, I felt out of balance as if I had been taken out of a dream of giving back to the grind of getting. And I know such an interpretation is reductionistic and even hyperbolic, meaning that there was plenty of "self" in my African work and there is plenty a chance to die-to-self as I work and serve here, but the contrast could knock me off and for a time, a week or so, shut me down. So it can be when I receive such unmerited charity and grace that I may start to mentally punish myself, berate myself, even belittle myself for my own failure to give and to die. It can feel like a magnifying glass is held up for my eyes only so that I might more clearly see how selfish I can be and how I have failed my Savior and His bride. I do think that my most uncharitable moments, those unforgiving glances or words that have slid out unwanted may find their root in a sort of self-condemnation. We have all seen others judge from their own insecurity. We have all also seen others project their own character defects onto those not responsible. I have been guilty of both. I suspect most of us have. So if events orchestrate in such a way to expose us to our own frailty, to rip out any pretense we may have manufactured, and to point to some hollow claims we may make, that can be unsettling and can stir some unforgiving defensive posturing .... or, projection. And I don't mean to pain myself a monster. No, not at all. But I am also far from the sort of superman one or two impressionable souls may have perceived in me. I can assure you, my wife is all to clear about my humanity.
But, I want to leave it on a high note and say that these musings, and this part of our existential sojourn has begun to work new healing in myself, and, is beginning to solidify into some discernible ideas and understandings. I am not being exposed to some of the more unpleasant bits of myself just to leave them alone. I suppose this another one of those things that I call "God's Purging".
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